Determined

In the last week, I’ve been feeling growing pains and I’m in my forties.  I wanted to say this was a spiritual growing pain yet this didn’t sound too positive.  In these moments, you feel everything… you see everything.  You can’t believe what you see and feel.  You are agitated and feel out of place.  You feel uncomfortable.  Your body does not feel your own.  I knew the Universe was working on raising my energy but my brain didn’t understand this.  Yet, somehow, I seem to have this knowing of what was happening to me.  I wanted to whine (so not like me).  I wanted to just shake it off.  Ghee, I thought I was too old for this.  I’m acting like a toddler who needs a nap.  It was obvious I was continuing to grow and change.  Evolve.  Yes, that is a better word.  It feels as if you are about to morph into a different being and all you know is to cling to what you are… were and try to resist it.  So I paused.  I did not wish to self-combust.  I relaxed verses fighting.  I gave my body permission to change.  For a few days, I felt as if I was leaning on the arms of a comforting spirit.  Spirit move through me.  Do what is needed.

This morning I awoke… determined.  I felt better.  I was clear.  I could feel my inner knowing and a fire.  I think my inner warrior princess woke up.  That’s one of the things I love about this journey.  There are so many aspects to my soul and these reminders are nice.

I looked up online the definition for, determined:  having made a firm decision and being resolved not to change it.  Ah, for once the dictionary and I agree.  I’d made an intention some time ago but at times was a bit, wishy-washy.  We all have doubts, fears and our self-made reality that challenge us.  Guilt will also hold you in place.  Question and release this.  Yesterday, in a moment of stillness, I saw the reality that I had created.  I also knew who I was.  This might have been a great time to have a pity party but that is not who I am.

I’ve found it’s a fine, and at times, undefined line.  The spiritual journey is about allowing… allowing life to unfold.  Allowing the Universe to, be… and co-create and for those small and large miracles to happen in their own time and way.  It’s also about being present and taking action.  Seizing moments.  On my journey, I’ve been open to both teachings and lessons.  There are times to hold on and see how life unfolds (no action is needed on your part) and there are times to push ahead.  Only you can decide.  Only you know your truth.  Maybe though, the Universe is testing you a bit to see if you are ready.  We do have free will.

So, I start my day with a little sass.  This makes me chuckle.  I am still humble though.  Check yourself before you wreck yourself, comes to mind.  I sent off a little prayer for protection and assistance during this time.  I’m a firm believer that if you need it, the Universe will place it before you.  Universe, my eyes are wide open and so is my heart.  I’m ready.  Let’s co-create!