Evolving and staying together


Often, when I write, I know what I wish to express.  Then there are times, likes this one, when I think I know… but then what ends up on the paper is very different from my initial intention.  Still, I think it all works out.  This article is on the topic of love and soul mate relationships.  Staying strong together.

The other day I was thinking, it’s been almost been 10 years of being not, divorced, but of a completed marriage.  I like to think positive about most things.  I’ve only been married once.  I do have two amazing children from that marriage so I don’t regret the marriage… or the divorce.   We grew and changed and it was time for us to seek separate paths.  It happens.  One can also heal a lot in a decade.

I dated for several years until I meet my current fiancé.  Now, honestly, I’m basically married again.  It feels like a love… bond… commitment and I do look at him as a soul mate.  We are a team and a ying to a yang.  We are in this – together.

In my decades of being a women, I’ve learned a few things about relationships.  I’ve also seen and listened to other women.  Relationships can bring out the best and worst in another.

I do believe some marriages need to end.  It’s sad, at times surprising, hard, and often complicated.  I also see some struggling relationships yet I believe there is a way for them to work out.  Some do dissolve and then some run from relationship to relationship.  The dynamics might change but the lessons will stay the same until, you figure it out.  At times, we get too busy and externally seeking to… see.

So I wish to share just a small and personal story.  This was a lesson I learned that has assisted me in maintaining a relationship with a significant other.  When my fiancé and I meet, we’d both had enough experiences and baggage.  Yet, we had hope.  We were making each other laugh within the first minute of meeting each other.  This was a good sign.  I’ve also found a comfort and blessing in our relationship.  It’s called, communication.  It seems obvious but this should not be overlooked.  By being open, available and really honest, we’ve shed many bags and learned and grown together.  Trust me, we’ve had reasons and moments to judge, react and just let go… walk away.  At times, it is hard to be present enough to listen verses reacting.  At times, it’s hard to see the real lesson and to allow it to surface and be worked through.

I will also say being with a women isn’t easy.  We are complex creatures and our soul wishes us to be who we really are.  So that means, for this women, each day I am a bit different and every now and then… I’m a lot different.  I am generally kind and even keel but there are so many aspects to my soul.  The other issue is I am an awakening women.  I will be for the rest of my life.  I wasn’t necessarily when I meet my fiancé.  I can’t say that he signed up for this.  It is an experience.  Before awakening, I stayed strong, put on a happy face and held everything together.  I was consistent and reliable.  Honestly everyone else’s issue came before mine as I served with a smile on my face.  One day though, I chose to get real about my life and dove into the deep end of the spiritual pool.  I’m not a good swimmer so at times I’ve had to thrash about and call out for help.  I’ve also had to learn that in staying calm that I would float.

So now, I allow myself to be who I am in each moment.  The good news is, most of the time I’m that happy and loving person I am.  Yet, the spiritual journey and work is unpredictable. I’ve had to guide my fiancé in how to be with me because I’m no longer perfect. That wasn’t who I really am. So on occasion, I’m sad when I’m grieving. I’m hyper and/or angry when I’m realizing something new. At times, I’m a bitch, lol.  At times, I’m very ungrounded.  At times, I’m silent or seem detached when I’m processing something.  These are just moments.

What I didn’t know was he relied on me to be who I am – all of the good parts, all of the time.  So if I was having an off day, he’d know and wouldn’t know what to do. This is where relationships have the potential to fall down.  The other reacts verses realizing the dynamics.  It’s easy to react and then get locked into a chaotic energy.  Much can be exposed but really it is just the past hurts and present fear.  Release them.  It’s better to stay grounded and not take this moment personal.

So it’s been a work in progress. Trust me, I don’t think we would have made it this far if I hadn’t told him a few simple things.

  1. I love you.  You know who I am.  This is just a moment.  This will pass and I will be better for it.
  2. When I am ungrounded, if possible, stay grounded and not take what I say or do personally.  Allow me to get it out.  Often it’s not about you and no action is needed on your part.  I do need you.  I feel comfortable enough to share this… be this, around you.
  3. If I can make a request, keep me safe.  Yet at times, I need a lot of space and other times I need you close. I know this is confusing but I’ll let you know.  Just let me know that you are available.  Maybe I just need a hug.  Maybe just sit by me and let me cry.
  4. When you are having an off day, I will try my best to do the same 🙂

My fiancé could understand this idea since he is a protector. I think he has spent many lives protecting both up close and from afar. I believe I used to send him off the deep end because he couldn’t understand how to help. My uncertainty or moods would scare him. He’d want to fix the problem but I just needed time.  He is a kind soul and really wanted to but didn’t know how to.  He always looks to me to be grounded and I told him I’m human, not perfect. I was honored that he remembered who I was. In my worst moments, he’d remind me with a look into my eyes and a smile.

If you are in a relationship, you might talk all day long, but do you get to a place where your soul talks to another’s?  This is not talking about the weather, politics or what needs to be picked up from the store.  This is talking about your deepest fears and struggles and then also your hopes and dreams.  If you have this in your relationship, you are indeed blessed.  I think if more couples could be this real… this honest… this genuine, just about any relationship could work out.  Life is hard enough.  Love the one your with.  Grow with the one your with.  And I do hope it all works out.  Sometimes, in strange ways it does.

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