A year after I wrote this, I came back and read it again. I was a bit surprised with my honesty and putting it out there as I started the with: In physical form, I have a strained relationship with my mother. Yet… on the astral plane, I have a miraculous relationship with her. Yes, and it started years ago with a dream. Yet as I read on, I was reminded that this was indeed a beautiful post.
It was during a low point in my life and I remember praying before I went to bed for guidance. In the dream, all I saw was a beautiful rose slowly opening. The color, magenta, was so intense. I’d never had a dream like this. I was mesmerized by the simplicity, beauty and unfolding. I could then feel my mother yet I didn’t see her. I can’t say that I ever remember my mother in a dream before. I started to ask her question after question. I needed answers yet she didn’t speak. My last question was a desperate and tearful, so what do I do now? She only spoke one word. AWAKEN.
I then remember awakening and feeling like I’d been light years away. I was sitting up in bed, in the silence and darkness of the middle of the night yet the dream was still with me. I hadn’t officially started my awakening journey and didn’t even know what the word meant. So while the dream was one of the most beautiful I’ve ever had, I was frustrated. I felt there was no way to apply that one word to my current set of dynamics. Yet, years later I see that I did.
As the years have rolled on, she pops in when I least suspect. I know it’s her. She always tells me something I didn’t know. What it is/was like to be her. I then seem to appreciate her even more. I am humbled. It also seems to tell me something about myself but usually those realizations come later.
There has been an intense amount of healing between my mother and I on a higher level. At this time, it doesn’t matter if/when it plays out in physical form. When a message comes, as the words roll in, I can feel pain leaving my body. It’s hard to describe how real it is unless you’ve had the experience. It’s not only a clearing for me, I can feel the generational karma.
I received a message from her the other day. I wrote it down and tucked it away. I hadn’t planned on writing on it. Then today, it got quiet and I know what that means for me – that I have wisdom or an experience that needs to be shared. I thought about my last week and the messaged I’d received. This was the message I needed to write about.
The day before the message came, two of what I thought were random songs came to me. I googled to discover they were both by the same artist and on the same album. I immediately thought of my mother (remembering she had that album) and sent her love and light. I let it go yet, she surprised me the next day as she started talking as I was cleaning the house.
So I’m not going to share the entire message although, maybe I should since these thoughts and feelings are universal for so many women. Details of feeling like a reject and social misfit and how it was hard to make lasting female relationships. How she was often afraid of the outside world, a scary place (she’s a kind and young soul). Not knowing what to do next in difficult situations and as a mother, not having her own aspirations. Also feelings of being a women who needed medical care yet she felt like her body was not her own; more for doctors to practice and experiment on. By the time she said, I just wanted peace, tears were welling up in my eyes. I was understanding all of this through her perspective.
I was now also apologizing for her pain even though I wasn’t the cause of it. She said, My pain is your pain and for that, I am sorry. I was taken back by this sentence. Later I’d think, this is the collective female pain. Many women feel like they don’t fit in, aren’t pretty enough, don’t know what to do and live in fear. Really this is just a bunch of, crap. We are perfect and divine yet we forget.
She continued, Stop looking for someone to give you permission to do this work. You are a blessing. Give yourself permission to do well. I don’t care what you write. I care that you are alive. When you write, I know that you are a-l-i-v-e. My first thought was, this is true. I do feel alive when I write. This was also a bit of a reality check for me. I know my parents wouldn’t approve of my passion yet that doesn’t stop me. I have to be who I am. Yet… are there parts of me that still hold back or hide or feel shame? Probably so. Honestly, I have nothing to be ashamed about. Being who you are is nothing to be ashamed about.
I am now a firm believer in energetic healing. Chose a person who you have a strained, difficult or misunderstood relationship. It doesn’t matter if they are alive or deceased. You can tap into the energy regardless. Send off your request and then hold space/be open to hearing a response. It may take minutes or years. It might just be a feeling, word or simple sign. You will receive, when you are ready. I’ve been doing this for a few years now and discovered some of my “enemies” have their own legitimate story and/or, out of love, have greatly assisted in my personal growth.