To be honest, I almost forgot. In many ways, so much is happening now. Or maybe this is just another layer that is shedding. Four years ago a date was set. An event. Now I can look back and see it was in my akachic records. A day that drove home a point. Change was need in my life. Big time. I was to stop caring for everyone and boy do I mean, everyone and start caring for myself. Unbeknownst to me – trust me, I was completely clueless, this event was completely supported. Within a few months, a lot of change happened. And then I was left facing… myself.
I went from working 55 hours a week in a high stress career in a city I’d lived in for almost 20 years and I was a devoted single mom and gym rat (so I don’t think I slept much) to, living in a rural town, unemployed yet now able to volunteer as my younger son’s school. I was a bit shell shocked. I’d always been of service to others and honestly at any expense to myself. I’d always been social, upbeat and had a smile on my face. Yet under all that I quickly realized, I was a mess. I’d planned on taking a bit of time off to de-stress, get acclimated to my new life and I wished to finish writing my memoir. I’d been working on that on, yet mostly off, for 18 years.
The interesting thing is, when you write a memoir, you’re stuck in the past. Boy was I. I had a lot of stories! I also had a lot of questions. So can I just say, it became a full time job finishing that memoir. To write a memoir you have to have patience, be real, open, and oh so vulnerable. What I didn’t know then was, I was laying a foundation of communication with myself. Pondering, asking questions yet not knowing the answers and then, having those a-ha moments. It was just the beginning of my writing since, like a lightning bolt, my awakening began. So you can read (or have ♥) past articles to get a sense of the journey I’ve been on since.
One of many things I’ve learned in my spiritual journey is, life is often a cycle. I’ve experienced this with life lessons. Often I had to pass on one yet sure enough, it came back around. When you are strong enough, you will clear the issue. You can’t avoid what you came here to do. And channeling has been a cycle for me. I’ve wondered why a sentence will roll in and then I forget yet, then it usually comes back to me. The other day the Universe explained this by saying, I was my own Universe. It was like the message gets lost as it orbits my shadow side and then known in the light. The concept of being your own Universe can be mind blowing.
For several months, I’ve been crunching timelines in my sleep. It’s like I’m trying to catch up to the current timeline that I’m to anchor to. I often talk to my team overnight yet usually don’t remember the communications. The other evening, as I half awoke, my heart was racing as if I’d been running. I remembered saying, I’m still trying to anchor the right timeline. The words back were clear, Don’t you think you’ve found it. Where your heart meets your night and day activities. It all becomes one. Where you have become what you seek. I smiled and drifted back to sleep.
Over the past few days, I’ve had several a-ha’s. I’ve found a new level of self-acceptance. I am. I’ve also been reading Matt Kahn’s new book, Whatever arises LOVE that. I found his teachings several months ago. While I preach love, I realized the first few years of my awakening were very challenging. It would be easy to say that self-love was the missing ingredient yet, I was loving myself. I had to learn how to do that. Making time, allowing myself to be however I was, trying new things and honoring each step of this journey. (And yes, I do highly recommend Matt’s book 🙂
So it has taken me four year to come back around. From a day that my life had been flipped upside down to now standing right side up. From exhaustion to balance. From any pain has strangely become a pleasure to talk about. I survived. Any sadness is now a joy. The things that used to make me angry, I have peace. I can tell stories yet they don’t own me. Wow! From complaining to laughter. From confusion to clarity. From fear to embracing fearlessness.
Years ago I had a twin flame. To say that he broke my heart is an understatement. The entire relationship at the time I didn’t understand. I just knew I’d never felt that alive. And, that was the purpose. As our relationship ended, I thought of the Eagles song, Desperado. It came to me again last night and I thought, wow, that song wasn’t for him, it was for me. I just needed to look at it a bit different.
You been out ridin’ fences for so long now
Oh, you’re a hard one
I know that you got your reasons…”
Have been laid upon your table,
But you only want the ones that you can’t get
Your pain and your hunger, they’re drivin’ you home…”
As I listened I thought, this moment is my homecoming. Yet again. No pain. No wanting. I am home. Let somebody love you, well, let the Universe love you!!
And I love how my outer world is my mirror. I’ve had two signs today. It’s windy here. I watched as two birds fought against a wind gust. Their feather did get ruffled. One pushed on and the other turned back. I do watch birds and am amazed at their ease and grace in flight. Hmm. I’ve been that bird with the ruffled feathers, pushing into a wind. I like the ease and grace better. And right now there is a road crew outside filling in a rut in the road (created as the mailman dips off the road to deliver mail). I, too, have taken time to fill in where I went off the path. Now I’m moving on.
We write our own story every day. We hold that power. I’ve been journaling a private sub-story this past month or so. It holds intentions, momentum and where my compass is pointed. I believe it will make a great story to write about one day. Yet I had a choice. I could still be stuck in the past. I could be clueless about the future. It’s been a process. It’s not always easy yet, I known to stick with it.
Thank you for reading. Blessing to you! And get writing YOUR story.