Shattered Ego


This seems to be a story within a story. I first need to write on what lead up to my ego shattering moment. I was thinking about the lightworkers (although we all are) I know. Some only casually and others very well. They really do get it and many are peppy, devoted and driven. I smile when I think of them.

I was also thinking about my routine and lifestyle. I feel good when I have a purpose. While I’ve relaxed into my journey, I’m a recovering type-A personality. I’ve been referred to a worker bee, a hummingbird, etc. I always seem to be doing something yet now I do consider meditation, slow walks in nature and down time, doing something.

I was also thinking of the intensions I’ve place, out there. Really it doesn’t matter when they come back since I need to continue living. This would include continuing to laughing and create. Now it not the time to hold ones breath and wait. Breathe!  Have fun!

My mind then thought of… (gheez, too much thinking) how I recently heard the, void, word. It’s been a while since I used this word. It can mean different things. It can be a place or state of being. Years ago, I was held in the void for a long, “season”. My timing was off and it was a place of safely till I was to re-enter. It is a place of silence and peace. Yet depending on what is going on in your heart and mind, it can feel like hell, depression or uncertainty.

So as I was thinking on all of these interwoven topics, a message came in. A few weeks ago I was told to write all messages down and not to argue with them. I wondered if the message came since I was also laying out a general future agenda in my mind (verses being present). I don’t do just to stay busy. I believe in being. I believe in soul work and walking with Spirit. I also have nothing to hide from. Busy work or purpose is not a cover to hide from inner loneliness. Yet I was feeling emptiness verses passion for the tentative agenda. I was a bit surprised at my lack of enthusiasm.

I then heard, “Welcome to the void.” Oh, I thought I was out of the void. Then I heard a sentence that surprised me. “There is no purpose here.” What?  You might as well have said there is no meaning to life. I started to cry. I wondered why I and so many others dedicate a life to asking, who we are, what is our purpose and what is the meaning to life? For me, to get to this moment where I’m being told there is no purpose. I could feel a downward spiral and an invitation to a deep depression immediately. I mean, why get out of bed? What have I worked so hard for?? There’s no point to any of this? I couldn’t stop crying. It seemed to tie into, all of this is an illusion. Oh great!  (Well, it is but we’re not going there right now.)

I calmed and thought, why have I always clung to purpose? Having a purpose makes me feel alive. So how do I feel alive with no purpose? Some time ago I came to my own truth that who I was, my purpose and the meaning to life here on Earth all came back to the same word. Love! So now why was I being told this?

Then I thought, what if every tear I just shed was my ego? I was told ego was just energy in motion. It was flowing and seemed to release every expectation I had. All the thoughts of how it was to be. Any preconceived notions and believes. This also seemed to be compounded by a lifetime of hopes, dreams, wishes, TV ads, family upbringing, soul searching conversations with good friends and even past life carry over that I hadn’t released yet. Yikes. One could cry for days! If you are a seeker of the truth, well, be careful what you ask for. Truth comes when you are strong enough to understand it.

Having your ego blown into pieces isn’t a bad thing. I’ve had similar expenses with my heart. Several times. It needed to expand. The light needed to come in. You get to decided what to keep and how to put it back together. It becomes a beautiful work of creation and art.

We’ve been given a body. A body comes with a brain and an ego. Our ego is our personality. Many of us have strong minds and this is a beautiful gift. We are to use it. So was this death of ego? Well, you can’t get rid of ego. It’s a part of who you are and what you came here to experience. It’s just we are changing and our ego needs a reminder and some reassurance. Some experience a “death” of ego during a dark night of the soul. Gheez, I’ve had both nights and seasons in the dark. This experience though didn’t feel like a dark night (thank God).

It will put your life in perspective. Each moment is what you make it. Lightworkers didn’t come here to save a planet. We came here to enjoy a planet. We came here to assist others in maneuvering in an often challenging terrain. If one can let go of what the ego blocks and live in the moment, then each moment truly is a gift. There is no goal. There is nothing to rush to. There is nothing to fight. Abraham Hicks often says, “We make too much of all of this.” I’m understanding this on a new level.

It’s also a realization that you can’t take any of this with you – the physical form. Yet each day we encode our experience. What impression are you leaving?

You get to choose what life means to you. Love. Happiness. The endless pursuit of happiness. Success. You can fill in your own blank. If there is no point to all of this, then you’ll do what you love. You’ll only do what moves you. If you were to walk around for days questioning that there is no meaning, your life might take on a whole new meaning.

So I found it interesting. I chose to awake this morning. I chose to sit with these thoughts. I chose to then write about this experience and share. This is just a message, a perspective. I’m not even calling it truth. Each day we awaken to a new reality. Humans search for answers. What if there are no answers… just short messages here and there that we weave together however we like.  This then creates our reality.  Choose to create something amazing for yourself.

Welcome the ego and mind blowing moments.  Thank you for reading.


6 comments on “Shattered Ego

  1. Perhaps it isn’t that there is no purpose, but that you decide whatever purpose you want. If you purpose is to be happy, the pursuit of happiness, go for it. If you purpose is to save the world, you can accomplish that one too (every tooth you brush is another ocean purified, every I Love You is another heart healed). If you choose a purpose of having no purpose, just being adrift in the sea of life, have fun.

    Liked by 2 people

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