I’m ALIVE

I’ve been working on this post on and off for several weeks now.  It started out one way, a perspective yet then became, multifaceted.  Multidimensional.  🙂  When I started blogging, it was something I’d never thought I do yet, I fell in love with it. I am truly humbled (I don’t think you realize) and honored with each “like” and for the group of kind souls that consistently follows along. This, my 409th post (yah!), is probably my longest one yet.  So get a cup of coffee, take a deep breathe and here we go.

At first, it was just for me, my own clearing and therefore I probably wouldn’t publish.  Then possibly for a soul out there who I might not ever meet yet, might need the story/reference. For me, now, it feels like a story.  I, like you, have many.  It gets filed away as a reference verses being active and running the show.  Yet, as I worked on this post, I realized it was also about, more – my contribution/piece to a larger puzzle.  So I write since so much is not understood by the human in us.  So much is yet to be known.  We look external for answers yet often we just see categories/boxes to place an experience in.  And I seemed to be reminded often.  In my stats, I’m reminded of how many google, lightworker and suicide.  Two words that you wouldn’t think go together yet they do.

A year ago, I had something happen to me. I’d been on a spiritual journey for a while. I’d also had a very full life of both ups and downs. My spiritual quest had opened up more than I ever imagined. So life had been… different for some time. I was being guided and I saw a path and followed through. I truly believed it was all coming together until… it didn’t. Well… I just knew to do what I’ve always done. Continue on.

Yet on Mother’s Day weekend, out of all weekends, out of nowhere thoughts of suicide took over my brain and throbbed in my head. It was my only thought. I’d grown up around depression, I’ve seen suicide attempts and I’ve worked in and been an advocate for mental health issues. I never thought it would happen to me. Never.  I was always the optimistic one.

In looking back, I could easily say that I went from normal to crazy in less than a day yet, there were a few signs.  I didn’t feel depressed but I’d been having anxiety attacks and I’d never had these before.  They do feel like a heart attack – not fun!  I was also having trouble sleeping and sleep is so important.  I did have some struggles yet, many do.      Ironic though, I wrote an article for Mother’s Day in my usual mindset of love and inspiration (although it was also for those who might struggle with the holiday) and posted it.  Some of my own words would be the advice I’d later needed to give to myself.  And after that post, my mind seemed to work differently.

It was like a switch in my brain had been flipped and out of nowhere I had a plan and knew it would work.  There was no sense waiting so, the moment came and literally within a split second a divine distraction… and then the moment and chance I had was gone. I didn’t do it. I was still alive and I shook in disbelief. So I returned home feelings as if I was just dragging a very heavy human body. Now what?  While my body was tired, my mind was enraged. Determined, it gave a plan B. Tomorrow. A second chance.

I told no one. I went to bed and arose the next morning. I spoke to no one of these thoughts. I was going to drive myself to location B yet on the way, my soul took over and I pulled into a doctor’s office.  I sat waiting to be seen as a walk-in.  Ahh, interesting now with what I believe. I was calm, really more so numb yet very honest. I had nothing to lose. I told the doctor the medication I needed – somehow I knew. And he didn’t bat an eye. He called it right in. I left and then went to the plan b location. I sat and sat and cried and cried. I felt ready yet… I couldn’t do it. I knew what to do and I knew it would work. WTF?  I also knew I had people who loved me yet let me tell you, it doesn’t matter when this much pain in pulsing in your body. You will do anything to make it stop.  What I could endure before now was unbearable.  I was ready to go, home; my final home.  I was, done.

Somehow, I drove myself to the pharmacy. I remember waiting in line. I must have looked like a junkie. When I slide my credit card to pay, my whole body shook. I could hardly speak. I knew the medicine would help. I knew I needed it. I couldn’t believe I actually made it to the pharmacy.  The lady at the counter just smiled at me – no judgement.  She was my angel, she knew.  This was just a moment.  She said, “I’ll see you next month” and I saw an angelic wink.  I believed her.

Hope.  I swallow this pill of hope each day knowing it would be at least a week before I’d feel a bit better. Yet each moment and step was like walking in a mine field. So many memories surfaced. I used to be.  I used to do.  I used to have. I missed everything. Waves of the most intense pain I’d ever felt surfaced again and again. Is this what life and a spiritual journey will do for you?  What happened to the lightworker/me?  I’d read on a dark night of the soul and thought for certain I’d already had mine (possibly even a few times).  Years ago I believe this part of the spiritual journey was kept quiet but I see this wave being very honest about it.  Spirituality is about both the dark and the light.  Yet, in the articles I read (years ago), while dark nights obviously weren’t a picnic, not one of them said anything about suicide.  A dark night seemed to have a purpose and somehow you knew you’d get through it.  For me, this was a dark night times 100.  This was HELL. No sane person should have this experience.

I cried, I whaled, I spitted out words in between heaving sobs that felt like truth yet they were the lies I’d held in my human body.  I’d already done a lot of clearing/healing work on myself, a lot… so seriously??

I did have Spirit with me. I still heard the whispers just often enough. Maybe it was just a sentence a day, yet I was guided. I was to write down my thoughts and experience so I could later, better understand. I was to live through this experience. Well, I didn’t fear death; at this point I was begged for it. What I didn’t know was the thoughts pounded in my head for seven days. There was no relief or rest since the nightmares were also nightly visits to hell.  It actually got worse that week before it got better.

So I wish to mention, these thoughts that were stirring in my mind, within days I’d also believe was a clearing of past life karma.  I seemed to know/remember too much.  While I believed this, it didn’t make the experience any easier.  I could write an article on it yet if you read it then, I’d bet you didn’t pick up on the real story.  In some ways, I was so distant from my own experience yet writing was my lifeline and I also hoped to help another.  If I was having this very real, painful and beyond strange experience… maybe someone else was, too.

Did anyone understand?  No. Trust me. Yet I did have support. I was lucky. My significant other didn’t have to understand to be an amazing man in that week. I finally cracked (I used to be good at hiding and staying strong) and he knew to take off work and sit by my side. He knew to listen, hand me another tissue and that I’d need a cold coke when I usually never drink soda. He knew that I’d need rest yet also a ride in the car and fresh air. And when I broke down sobbing in the grocery store over the strangest thing (clean up in isle 9), he wasn’t embarrassed of me and certainly didn’t tell me to, hold it together. He patiently stood by my side.

I also shared with another soul sister (yet I think she knew) and she checked in with me each day yet honestly, it took all of my energy to just speak to one person. Two seemed overwhelming. Even now it’s hard to describe what depression/whatever mind illness/spiritual intervention moment I had, will do to you.

On day four, in the middle of the day, I did fall asleep.  I could feel myself slip into a dream state.  I could feel myself/my energy as if it was traveling slow and consistent yet far, far away.  Through clouds, Universes and wormholes.  Nice and easy.  I ended in a place where all there was, was light.  Pure white light, golden light… and a golf cart.  Strange because golf really isn’t my thing.  I surmised I was being dropped off.  I became one with a group yet none of us were of human form.  We were each our own energy yet one.  Like I was a drop and they were the ocean.  I was overwhelmed by the feeling of being understood, embraced and loved.  Big love.  I felt like I’d never leave this place.  There was no time or memory of anything else.  So then I was very surprised that a human, the golf cart driver, came and sectioned my energy out of what in hindsight I realized formed a halo of energy.  I was like jello and he seemed to know what to do to get me back into the cart.  I remember looking at the halo and it immediately filled back in as one.  As we drove away, I started to fight.  This fight seemed to bring me back into a human form.  I now had legs and arms.  The golf cart stopped and I was confused and agitated.  The golf-cart driver said, “It’s not your time, you must go back now.”  And with that, as if I was standing on a trap door,  I fell.  I could feel it this time.  It was intense.  It seemed never ending.  Through wormholes, Universes and clouds and I felt like I landed in my bed as if I’d come in at 200 m.p.h.  When I awoke, I couldn’t move.  I felt like the bed was swallowing me.  I couldn’t breathe either.  I was paralyzed and thought for sure I was dead or dying until… I took what felt like a first breathe of life.  So primal, so deep.  It took several more and then I felt my body.  I didn’t know where I was, who I was. Then, I remembered… the past week.  Now, I was really pissed off.  I was, there.  Why am I, here?  Nooooooooooooooooooooo!!!  

In time, I’d be able to answer this question.  The next few days though continued to be… bumpy.  One minute okay, one minute laughing, another crying a new ocean.  Almost anything would start the monsoon.  After a week, it did slowly, each day get just a bit better. It would take months. So it’s interesting to now look back. To remember all of this and who I was this time last year. I am not that woman. I’ve grown, changed and healed… even more. I have, in my own ways, been changing my dna and releasing that moment and the karma.  I also had to make a few big yet simple decisions.  I had to make these decisions placing myself first.  It was now so clear, since I might not even be here to make these choices.

During this time I googled, near death suicide.  Those were the only words I could come to, yet at that time didn’t see anything helpful.  It might be very different now.  I believe as more awaken, more will be having a dark night.  Yet, are they ready?  Is our society ready?  Will they be in the right and supportive environment to get through the experience?  Suicide happens every day and to more people/lightworkers than you realize. A soul that knows yet a human that is frustrated, confused and over it.

For months after this event as I went into public, I looked around. I saw, differently.  I believe statistics can be skewed in any which way so let’s just say that half of America is depressed. Let’s say that 5% is suicidal. They might be unseen to most, curled up in a ball at home or the “jerk” who cut you off in traffic or got your order wrong when you were in a hurry. While you might know of sadness, despair, frustration or annoyance… trust me, you have no idea. They are a human. They have a soul. They are light and love. They are you. They also wish to feel good and to be alive. Pain free.  You never know what another has or is going though.  More compassion, not less, is needed.

Anger, depression and thoughts of suicide that I never even knew I held became my gateway to my soul, my purpose and an even deeper relationship with this Universe. Some of the simple reminders I often write hold much significants to me.  For days my only job was to, breathe.  Maybe this was just a set point/possible exit.  Maybe it was time to clear the suicide gene/karma.  I do know I often write reminders and send loving energy in meditation in a way to assist.  Know that when I type, I love you… I mean it. I might not even know you or ever meet you and I still mean it.  I am with you.  And, I am here for a reason.

I also think of all the moment of laughter and joy that have happened since that moment and, of all the ones to come.  I think on all the posts I’ve written in moments of passion, purpose and such clarity.  Well, a few trying to gain clarity, lol.  I know that Spirit is easy.  Life though, at times, is not.  We long for the ease, grace, peace and bliss that is us.  We must make choices (slow and steady) to return to this.

A few months ago I heard, the depth of your wanting to die will be the height of you wanting to live.  I could only stop… and really feel this.  I’ve been to both heaven and hell and my brain still couldn’t imagine being on top of the world on all levels in my reality. I was just grateful to be alive.  It would take me many meditations where I was able to go home again, to then realize, it’s here that I am to be.  Several crying/heaving meditations but I got to a place of understanding.  Everything about this journey is challenging and then we accept that and find the bliss.

My significant other asked me if I’d written about all this.  I write about a lot of things yet wasn’t sure I needed to publically write on this.  So one evening I started a draft and realized all of this was still, in me.  I could feel it.  Crap, lol.  Well naturally so.  It’s only been a year.  To live through the experience is one thing, to write on it another and to get to a place of peace… very possible, yet you have to want this.  Writing is therapy.  So each time I came back to it, usually separated by a week, I had more comfort and peace.  I’ve been able to take a very difficult situation and allow it to serve me and to know that it’s in the past.  This experience actually held many lessons and happened for many reasons – some I don’t even know of yet.  It was the end of one life and the beginning of another.  A week of creation yet at the time, I wouldn’t have said this.

And just as I felt at peace and was ready to hit, publish, I was also reading a book.  This month I’ve had two dear friends send me books (lucky me).  I was reading Proof of Heaven by Eben Alexander, M.D.  Small world, where he had his NDE, was a hometown for me.  I’ve often been amazed in my life how we do pass another often in our life yet, have no clue.  My significant other and I passed each other for 15 years (good story for another time).  In Eben’s book, he mentioned a “DMT dump”.  I was now wondering if this is the awakening of the pineal gland and the death of ego (although it never dies, just changes).  This seemed like a possibility of the science of the brain and a dark night of the soul.  I’m wondering/suggesting that if this is studied, then as one goes through a dark night, it could be better understood and supported.  Our current medical and mental health system is NOT set up or ready for a mass awakening.  They aint seen crazy yet!  So I’m just throwing this idea out there yet maybe others are already steps ahead of me.  🙂

I believe a Dark Night of the Soul is when you do, let go.  A part/aspect of you needs to die.  It is very difficult to say, goodbye because we actually do love this aspect.  It’s family and all we know at the moment.  We can’t imagine going on without… but we will.    Suicidal thoughts/depression/pain is an invitation.  It’s time to stand up and realize just how strong you are.  It’s time to claim your power and to quickly or slowly reclaim this power – YOU.

I thank you for reading my dear soul.  Let’s choose to be alive and pain free together.  Only good can come from choosing to, stay.  Sing it Rihanna.  Ah, followed by Halo, yes!  Sing it Beyoncé!  When I hear the Sia song, I’m alive, I feel it. I know it. I scream it. I AM thankful to be alive.

Abbreviated Alive by Sia lyrics:

I was born in a thunderstorm. I grew up overnight. I played alone. I’m playing on my own. I survived.

Hey. I wanted everything I never had.  Like the love that comes with light. I wore envy and I hated that. But I survived.

I had a one-way ticket to a place where all the demons go. Where the wind don’t change and nothing in the ground can ever grow. No hope, just lies. And you’re taught to cry into your pillow. But I survived.

I’m still breathing.  I’m alive.

I found solace in the strangest place. Way in the back of my mind. I saw my life in a stranger’s face. And it was mine.

You took it all, but I’m still breathing. I have made every single mistake that you could ever possibly make. I took and I took and I took what you gave. But you never noticed that I was in pain. I knew what I wanted; I went out and got it. Did all the things that you said that I wouldn’t. I told you that I would never be forgotten. And all in spite of you. And I’m still breathing.  I’m alive.